Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
plus IS GAY ROMANCE DEAD?
Yeh it's a new year, but yet another year of endless parties, the gym, bars, hook ups and fair-weather friends seems so empty. Is there something more I can look forward to as a gay man who's maturing?
Signed, I want More
Dear I Want More,
You can't have a new year unless you're willing to leave the old ones behind. You can begin anew right now in spite of the past. Start by getting your priorities straight.
What are you doing in your life? In the end, the year you were born, a dash and the year you die will be engraved on your tombstone. But its all in the dash. Its what you did with the time that you had that will matter most.
I can assure you that it's not the sex, the parties, the drugs or the music. Its not your body, wardrobe, money, title, car or other external thing that people will remember most about you. It wont be your life partner, your friends or another person. What they will remember most is how YOU touched them.
Thus the meaning of life is in you. Its in how much you are able to give and receive love. Its your relationships that make life meaningful. You must first focus your attention inside on the relationship you have with yourself. Take it off of what others expect of you, the scene, appearances, a boyfriend, hassles, bills, the things you want, your career...And place your attention inside of you. Nothing outside of you will make you happy.
The enduring journey within is hard and not at all for the faint of heart. But I know of nothing more valuable to commit to in life. No one is grown up. We are only growing up. I promise you that there is no cold dark shadow where there isnt also warm bright sun. While it can be painful at times, finding your way home (to yourself) is the only way to your heart, to others and a joy filled life. No one outside of you can bring you this - only you can. But you have to want it.
Ask yourself what you really want and put out the effort to get it. I promise you that the returns are priceless and lifelong. Don't be afraid to ask for professional assistance. Counseling may be something you want. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Many men put their trust and confidence in my education and experience to guide them on a sometimes perilous road. I have walked the walk. They invest their hard earned money and sacrifice their precious time to get what they want. But the one's that just show up to treatment or come to therapy now and then don't make it. It's the one's that consistently put the tools I give them into practice and live it each day that succeed.
So make this year worth living. Whatever path you choose, the results you want cant be accomplished half heartedly. Identify the change you want, find what path works for you and commit to it. You can turn your life around. I witness brave men do it every day and you're no different.
All The Best, Angelo.
Is romance for the Gay MAN (if there is such a thing) dead? Where are all the gay romantics?
Oh Romeo, alas my friend, you're not alone in your desire. Many gay men want this and are having trouble finding it. The number one letter I get is from gay men who are seeking that romantic connection. They want something deeper and longer lasting than just sex. Meanwhile, many find themselves to be perpetually single and they're lonely.
Perhaps no one knows better the pain of planning your whole weekend around a trip to the food mart, spending a holiday alone, or being so starved for touch that an accidental brush from a stranger gives you a hard on. Perhaps no one knows more the feeling day after day of not getting any messages from that special one, no table for two, and not having anyone to talk to besides your hair dresser. Perhaps no one knows better the pain of thinking you don't measure up and everyone else seems to be young, gorgeous, fit and hung. Perhaps you're tired of gazing outside a Starbucks window at all the fabulousness passing by, thinking that everyone seems to have some happy magic in their lives that you don't. Perhaps you're even tired of trying anymore. But I absolutely know that it's possible to find gay romance.
It is difficult for gay men to do this since we are socialized as men from birth in a homophobic culture. It takes a lot of courage, even after we're out, to overcome the male taboo that says men aren't supposed to get emotionally and physically intimate with one another. When we break that same sex prohibition, we experience all the shame about our same sex orientation that's been put on us by society. So in order for two gay men to be romantic, they each have to be willing to work through the fear and shame that comes between them. This takes effort and it's hard.
We must use our shared experience of facing social adversity as a superglue that sticks us together, rather than treating each other bad. We can bond and reach higher plateaus of intimacy together from our shared challenges. We can build relationships that are examples of true love and devotion to the world.
Gay romance is not dead. The longing is there and many gay men are fed up with all the BS out there that gets in the way. Right here and right now we must use our resiliency as gay men to commit ourselves to manifesting the romance we yearn for by finding each others hearts, instead of engaging in self destructive behavior from the lack there of.
All The Best, Angelo.
The Gay Man's Therapist
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