Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote
 Coming Out Poz
 and Is Love Enough To Make It Work?

 By Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT (MFC41291), NCC


Dear Angelo,

I've been dating this Neg guy for about 4 months. I am in love. I am Poz and he doesn't know. I've only had safe sex with him. What should I do?

Signed, Guilty

Dear Guilty,

Loving someone romantically involves our deepest experience of oneness. When we are in love we are as close as we can be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to anyone. Poz men are not alone in not wanting to be rejected. Rejection from a love is a terribly painful feeling. A gut wrenching pain. If we are lonely, emotionally wounded or need more love in our life, this pain can be excruciating. We do anything to avoid it. But you must be courageous.

Draw upon your love for him to respect him and tell him your HIV status. Trust that it will be as it is meant to be. He may be angry and feel betrayed. He may feel you have been dishonest and that he cannot trust you. You may work through it together. If you are meant to be together, nothing will keep you apart. It will work out. No matter what. But if you're not meant to be together, it will not work out. No matter what. A Neg man has the right to reject a Poz man and vice versa. So it's best to share what we want and need in our relationships early on. If he leaves, he was not your man. It's better for you. Your soul mate could be waiting for you next. True love is when you're both there each day because you each want to be.

Moving forward, it is a must to disclose your HIV status before becoming sexual - early on. There may be a legal obligation in some states to disclose. Get it out of the way. It lessens the worry about it. Wouldn't you want someone who chooses to be with you as you are? Would you want anything less? Share the truth. It shows you care about yourself and your partner.

Dear Angelo,

What do you do if you love someone but they constantly drive you crazy? My partner of 9 years has not touched me in 6 years. Do I leave him?

Signed, Distraught

Dear Distraught,

In can be safe and comfortable to stay in a relationship that isn't working now. There may be a fear to go out and find someone else. Underneath may be a deeper fear of being alone. People put up with unbelievable things for the security of a relationship. You have given up a healthy sex life due to an indifferent lover who has emotionally and physically abandoned you.

In a marriage where both partners are equally in love and wanting it to work, there is only a 50% chance that it will. The divorce rate in America is 50%. What do you think the chances are if your moving away from each other, if it's only 50% when you're both moving towards each other? If working through your problems fails, including couples counseling, this may not be your guy. You have to admit that to yourself if it is true. Chances are that if it's never worked, not working and going downhill, then he's not the right man for you. You may love each other deeply, but it still may not be able to work. If he's not "showing up" in the relationship, then he's not the one for you. It's better for you to accept this and move on. Do not make someone else your sole (and soul) source. In rare cases, releasing a relationship can be what's needed to make it work. But chances are it is not going to work. So releasing is best either way.

You need to grieve, including healing the wounds of your past with a counselor. Then you can go fresh, clean and unencumbered into your next relationship with your soul mate - who you may not have met yet - without baggage. You had stuff to learn from this relationship. Perhaps it has opened your heart to love more. Trust that a better relationship is yet to come for you. A relationship that feels good where the two of you are compatible and happy together.



Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT, NCC

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