Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
and What To Say When You're Not Into Him
I give everything to the man I love.I always put him first even before myself.I drive 2 hours to see him. Twice I toldhimI loved him and that's when everything fell apart.I just don't kow what I did wrong.After that he said he wanted to date other people.I still buy him stuff spending thousands of dollars on him. He calls me and texts me when he's lonely on his business trips. But henever just says he misses me or makes an effortto see me. It'sso hard. I've turned to drinking, drugs and anti-depressants to be happy so Idon't dwell on it.What canI do to save myself?
Signed, Falling Apart
Dear Falling Apart,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Unfortunately, you can't make someone love you.Love must be given freely to bea love that's true.
The best thing for you to do is reality test. See the situation clearly as it is. Much suferring comes from resisting what is. This guy's a taker and not a giver. Save your money. Stop trying to "buy" his affection. He doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for him. Realize that when he contacts you, it's all about him.He contacts youbecause he's lonely.His calling or texting has nothing to do with you. You have to recognize you're being used andlet this one go.
It's time to put yourself first. Lay off the alcohol and drugs. They may give you a reprieve, butmake things worse overall. Instead, face the truth and feel your feelings. Getsupport. I know it hurts deeply, but avoiding is far more dangerous than grieving.
All The Best, Angelo.
I've been seeing this guy for about 2 weeks. I don't really like him, but he really likes me.I don't want to hurt his feelings. I have a lot of anxiety over it. I want to break it off. What do I tell him?
Signed, Axe Man
Dear Ax Man,
I recommend you be straight forward and tell him exactly want you want. You don't have to explain "why." All you need to do is be clear in your communication about "what."
I wouldn't tell him by email. Unless you feel unsafe, it's most respectful to tell him in person rather than over the phone. Try saying with a gentle tone, "It's not working for me and I need to stop seeing you." In this case, don't sugar coat it with, "we can be friends" or "it's not you, it's me," because that would be disingenuous. You don't have to be harsh, you just have to be frank and firm. Remember you can say anything to anyone - it's how you say it that matters.
Don't worry. If you have the right intention, he'll recoup. He's an adult who can take care of himself. You don't have to take care of him.
All The Best, Angelo.
The Gay Man's Therapist
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