Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
Overcoming The Love That Left You
By Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT (MFC41291), NCC
After three years of a most fulfilling relationship with my bf, I was unceremoniously dumped. How do you accept someone you love telling you that they're out of love with you?
I do not know if you'll ever really accept that he is not in love with you anymore per se. I mean you may not believe it or be OK with it for a long while. It was not something you expected, chose or wanted. Loving someone romantically involves our deepest experience of oneness. When we are in love we are as close as we can be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to anyone. Surprising insensitive rejection from a love is a terribly painful feeling. A gut wrenching unbearable pain. If we are lonely, emotionally wounded or need more love in our life, this pain can be excruciating.
You may ask, "how can this be?" You may think: I feel the love between us. I still see the look in his eyes. Maybe he's afraid. Maybe he's in a funk. Maybe he's on drugs. Maybe he's gone crazy. And the list goes on. When you love someone and you trust that they feel the same for you, it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that they don't. You may cling to the hope that you'll get back together. You want to believe anything but the horrible truth. And this is the challenge. Not to accept it per se, as in "I'm Ok with it," but to accept that it is in fact so - it is happening to you. For whatever reason, he's saying he doesn't love you anymore. That reality is what you have to accept and move forward. Losing someone you love is devastating. It is shocking. It emotionally annihilates you like an atomic bomb.
When you lose a lover, you must release him and give yourself permission to mourn - like a death. Grieving is an active process that you have to move towards. Blocking it makes it worse. It is by allowing yourself to be sad, to scream, to cry, to "fall apart" that you heal. Lean into the pain and let it all out. Inviting in this kind of deep agonizing pain will take some effort on your part. Feeling your feelings is the key to getting better. The only way out is through. This intense pain will not last forever even though it seems like it will. The pain will lessen. Get support including counseling. The best bet is to give yourself time. And know that you will love and be loved again. No doubt.
Newsflash! If you're honest with yourself, you know you're not in a monogamous relationship if you're playing with strangers behind his back. This is cheating. You are being dishonest with your partner and yourself. You are also putting your partner at risk if you're not playing safe. Your behavior does not match your statement that you're happy, great and complete in your relationship. If this is so, for what reason do you cheat? If you truly feel happy, great and complete with him, your behavior suggests you may have a sexual addiction that helps you feel good about yourself. You would want to seek counseling to control it.
Like many men, perhaps you don't know how to, or are afraid of getting emotionally close to another man. Your sexual behavior could be an exit for you to feel safe. Many men equate relationship with engulfment and may cheat to feel more independent. Whatever the reasons, I suggest you sit down and contemplate what kind of relationship you really want. Maybe an open relationship is better for you now. Level with your partner about your needs and what's been going on.
Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT, NCC
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