Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

ang032106
Angelo Pezzote
M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
 Are Your Sexual Fantasies Harmful?
 plus Feeling Dissed By Your Boyfriend

Dear Angelo,

Iam in arelationship. My boyfriend is wonderful. I love him. I have been faithful to my boyfriend. But sometimes I fantasize aboutone night stands orthose straight guy encounters in my past. I feel guilty.Do my fantasieshurt anybody?

Signed, Day Dreamer

Dear Day Dreamer,

This question reminds me of a challenging case I had that was very difficult for me.After several years of treatment,a male school teacher confided in me that he fantasized about having sex with little girls. Heclearly told me that he would never act on his thoughts. He was aware his thoughts were inappropriate. But I was still conflicted about whether or not I wasobligated to report child abuse to protect the children at his school. A reasonable suspicion of abuse is all that's required by law to report. He never did act on his sexual fantasies of girls. Through our work, he was able to shift his fantasies to other adult women.

As troubling as this was for me, I didn't breech his confidentiality becausehaving fantasies in your head is not the same as doing something in real life. We can think about killing someone, but that'snot a crime. Murder is. Thoughts don't hurt anybody. Expressing them through wrongful action does.

So I don't think your fantasies are hurting anybody. You can even share your fantasies withyour boyfriend.Make them part of your sex life. Role playing is great for this. Getting it out in the openwill decrease your guilt. They say we're only as "sick" as our secrets.

Dear Angelo,

My lover and friend of5 years recently got a new job where he will be working longs hours 5 1/2 days a week. Since we don't live together, we will see a lot less of each other.This really bothers me. I don't know what to do in my mind about this change. Any suggestions?

Signed, Dissed

Dear Dissed,

My suggestion is to take this time to focus on yourself. While it's lovelyyou're so devoted to your boyfriend, being over attached is often hard on a relationship.When we're too needy we can repel people. When we're independent, people are actually more drawnto be around us. People dislike feeling smothered or suffocated.

You can't use him to fill your holes. Start befriending yourself. Make more friends, pursue your interests and try new hobbies. We have to be our own person in a relationship.

A relationship is about two whole people sharing parts of their lives together. Contrary to popular myth, it's not about two halves making a whole.

This may be a great career opportunity for him and for your future as a couple. It may have nothing to do with you. Don't take it personal. Support him.


ang032106
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

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