Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
And For Women Who Think Their Boyfriend's Gay
By Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT (MFC41291)
I've been in a very faithful beautiful relationship for 2 years. Sometimes I look at hot guys and feel sexual. Is something wrong with me? I have it all.
Signed, Am I Stupid
Dear Am I Stupid,
Sounds like you're worried. Try to be good to yourself and not put yourself down. It is normal to have sexual thoughts. It is not unfaithful. It's your behavior that matters. There will always be someone younger, hotter, bigger or richer than your guy. The key to maintaining your faithful beautiful relationship is to honor your commitment to him. There is something profoundly meaningful in doing so.
You may sacrifice the experience of an intense sexual rush now and then with one of your fantasy men. But in the long run you get to cultivate a deeply rich, honest and trusting bond with your partner. Love is not what gets your penis hard. Love is a decision to value someone else equal to you. On your deathbed will you remember how many hot men you had or the one you loved most?
I am a woman dating a Christian guy who might be gay. He may be afraid to admit it if I ask. Mostly observed are his mannerisms, voice and emotions. How can I figure him out for sure?
Signed, The Beard
This must be hard for you. There is not much you can do until he is ready within himself to self identify as straight, gay or bisexual. Have you seen the movie In & Out? Kevin Kline's character, Howard, is gay but doesn't know it. He learns with some help to discover himself and come out of denial. Your boyfriend may not have discovered himself yet or he could be in denial because being gay is in conflict with his Christian values. If he is gay, he will come out when he is ready. You cannot force it.
On the other hand, there are plenty of straight men who seem gay but aren't. The masculine sex role is not absolute. A macho man can be gay and an unmacho man can be straight. But overall, I would focus on how you feel being with him rather than on figuring him out. Is this relationship right for you? Then talk with him about your feelings.
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