Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
plus Sniffing Out A Gay Guy At Work
I've been dating a guy I really like for about two months, and the feelings are definitely mutual. The problem is, during the first few weeks the sex was really hot - and really versatile. But once our feelings started growing for each other, he started insisting that he prefers to be only top. He's told me that I'm the first guy he's ever had feelings for, and before me his gay sex life was all just hookups. Do you have any insight into what might be happening?
Signed, Bottom's Up
Dear Bottom's Up,
We have three big clues as to what might be going on here. First, your sex life was versatile. Second, it switched abruptly when feelings emerged. Third, you're the first guy he's had feelings for. Now I'm not trying to be Nancy Drew, but it sounds like he may be feeling vulnerable and exposed - kind of like a turtle that's been flipped on it's back. When we begin to fall for someone it can be scary. We're emotionally naked and we risk being hurt. We do things to protect ourselves.
He may need to be the top to maintain a sense of dominance - power and control. If he's having issues with his gayness, being the top may also be a way for him to maintain his manhood. Being the top for awhile may help him to manage his emotions. Things can become balanced and versatile again once he feels safe enough in the relationship.
I know this guy at work. I always catch him looking right at me as if he waiting for me to say something. I wonder if he is gay or just friendly. I want to start a chat but have no idea how to do that without coming on to him, but I think that's what he wants me to do. Neither of us are out at work. Do you have any suggestions on how to break the ice?
Signed, 9 to 5
Dear 9 to 5,
Try to avoid thinking what he's thinking. Only mind readers can do that. Here's what I suggest. Ignore the conversation in your head and just be yourself.
Next time you see him, take a deep breath, lookhim in the eye, smile, reach out your hand and say, "Hi, I'm 9 to 5." Let the conversation flow. If you're stumped, bring it back to work - what you know you have in common.
Get to know him as a person first for a bit. Make the gay-thing second and the sex-thing third. If you're not comfortable being direct with him and shooting straight from the hip (which I usually recommend without usingsuch Bush-like phrases) - you can float a gay feeler like - "...so what'd you think of Brokeback?"
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