Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

ang041905
Angelo Pezzote
MA, LMFT, NCC
 A Straight Guy Swings Gay With Safer Sex
 and Your Lover's Avoiding Sex With You But Calling Hookup Lines

 


Dear Angelo.

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. We have less sex over time. He says he's tired at night and runs off in the morning. He left out his phone bill. I saw he's been calling hookup lines late at night. Who knows what else he's doing. Should I just dump him?

Signed, Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

You must be hurt, sad and angry. Maybe he's guilty and left the bill out like an invitation to talk about it. Intimacy is risky and scary for many men. This can lead to mixed messages. For example, I want closeness (I left the bill out so you'd see and save our relationship) but then again I don't (I call hookup lines behind your back).

Wait for a time when you can have a rational, open and honest conversation with him about it. Respect him. Don't attack. Be curious instead. Try asking him - "Help me understand this more." Share with him how you feel. You want someone who is fully available to you.

Sex is a problem area for many couples. I say talk, talk, talk about it. If you cannot do it yourselves, consider couples counseling if you want to be with him. If you feel he is untrustworthy and you don't want to be with him, then you may have to lovingly detach from him. If appropriate, you may also suggest he explore www.sca-recovery.org.

Dear Angelo,

I have been with a woman for 6 years. I have been fantasizing with gay porn and I'm dying to try it. I do a little exploring. What's happening to me?

Signed, Am I Turning Gay

Dear Am I Turning Gay,

How confusing this must be for you. Human sexuality is fluid. Same sex fantasy can be normal and is not the same as being gay. However, it reads as if you're more interested in sex with a man than just thinking about it. For your sake and hers, I suggest you continue to explore your sexuality to know yourself more fully before you fully commit to your girlfriend. But don't explore behind her back.

You need to honor her and your 6 year relationship. Disclose to her what is going on with you. Give her a choice in this. Then together you can decide how to proceed. If you decide to experiment you need to be safe. Here are 10 pitfalls for unsafe sex:

1. Alcohol. Drinking lowers your inhibitions so you do things you may not when sober. Your decision making gets clouded. It's easier to get caught up in the heat of the moment.

2. Drugs. Substance use alters your thinking. You simply cannot make good decisions when you're using. Seek a 12 step program or rehab.

3. Loneliness. It's easy to let your guard down if you think it's the only way to get the affection that you need. You may sacrifice your health to please a partner who wants to bareback. Or you may think it feels closer to someone to not use a condom. Outside of a committed trusting relationship, if he cared about you he'd use a condom.

4. Low Self Love. For some of us, self sabotaging behavior can confirm a hidden belief that you are not valuable, loveable and worthy. "I don't care about me, so I shrug the condom."

5. Silence. "If I pretend HIV doesn't exist and I don't talk about it with him, then there is no problem."

6. Assumptions. "He looks healthy so he must be negative." "If he were positive he'd tell me." "He didn't ask me to use a condom so he knows the risk."

7. Poor Judgement. Living for the moment. "He's so hot, I'll do whatever he wants. He's my fantasy." Trusting someone who is not trustworthy, including a long term partner.

8. Wrong Information. "New HIV meds are as good as cure." "If I'm the bare top I'm safe." "It won't happen to me."

9. Macho Man. "Real men don't use condoms." "It doesn't feel as good to me with a condom." "It's all about me."

10. Being Unprepared. "I don't have any condoms or water based lube."

 


ang041905
Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT (MFC41291)

The Gay Man's Therapist
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