Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
plus Getting Out Of A Relationship That Drives You Nuts
I ammarried manthat loveshis wife whole heartedly. But I have a friend who is gay and he has introduced me to world of wrestling. I find this very erotic and I find myself aroused while wrestling.I was thinking does this mean that I am bisexual? Angelo, help!
Signed, Curious in California
Dear Curious in California,
Don't freak out.It's natural for many of us to have agay tendency to some degree. Last weekAlister Doyle, as reported by Reuters, wrote that the project leader of an exhibition documenting homosexual behavior among animals atthe Oslo Natural History Museum, states that "homosexuality has been observed for more than 1,500 animal species and is well documented for 500 of them." Based on these findings, the museum concludes that "human homosexuality cannot be viewed as 'unnatural' " ora "crime against nature"since it is found across the animal kingdom.Freud has also said humans were bisexual. Alfred Kinsey also concluded from his research on human sexuality that few people are either all straight or all gay. He said most people exist at some point in between. And we know that homosexuality has been foundin all cultures across time. These things don't mean that everyone's gay or bisexual, but they do suggest that everyone isn't as polarized or fixed in their sexual orientation as we like to think.
If it were more socially acceptable to be with the same sex, then we would see more men openly exploring the full range of their sexuality. It's the gay stigma that prevents people, especially men, from doing so openly.Instead, we have only about 5-10% of peopleopenly identifying as gay. Studies have shown that many morepeople havesame sex thoughts, fantasies or experiences - they just don't admit it.
I don't know if your experiencemeans you're bisexual, but it means you're a human being,with a normal sexual capacity, that we andmany other animals share.
All the best, Angelo.
My partner and I have been together for 4 yrs. Lately things about him are getting me down. Whenever we leave the house together he starts complaining about other drivers, the state of the roads, the health care system, the government, his employees and the list goes on and on. All he does is complain. This isn't something new. WhenI have tried to talk to him about it he says "your trying to change me" or "you should love me for the wayI am." He yellsat others for doing stuff he does. If they say something to him he gets upset and yells back at them saying "never mind whatI do, just do do what I say."I hate bringing friends home because he starts lecturing them about how to live their life. I getlectures about all kinds of things too.If I try to disprove his theory, then I am the bad guy. He says I don't believe him or that I don't trust him. What should I do? I have suggested counseling,but he saysif we need that then we don't belong together." Angelo, please help.
I'm sorryyou're in an uncomfortable no win situation with a person who is unwilling to change.
Lately I've gotten a lot of questions with a similar theme to this one . Letters that say - I can't live with or without him, even though it's not working and I'm at my wits end. People tell me that they have a lot invested in their relationship - feelings,material things and time - they aren'tsure aboutwhento throw in the towel.Sex may be dead between them.Maybe he's their rock. Perhaps he's all they've got. Maybe their relationship, even though it's bad,is safely familiar and comfortable.Some take stalkers back even though they want out.
It's a cliche that change is the only thing we can count on in life. But it's true. It's time to make change and end a relationship when the balance between the joy and misery it gives hastipped toward the misery side most of the time, for a prolonged period of time, and when there doesn't seem to be a solution in sight. I find that what keeps people from embracing this type of change is fear. Fear that they won't get love again.
I tell them that sometimes you have to decide to let go of something. This is hard because often that somethinghas parts of it you like - even if overall you don't like it. But the prize is that by letting go of what you have now and inviting change, you leave yourself open to letting something in for the future that's far better than what you presently have.
All the best, Angelo.
The Gay Man's Therapist
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