Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
plus Hot And Alone
This guy is handsome, nice and crazy about me. I like him too. Trouble is he seems too sweet and honest. I fear he uses that to just sleep with me. I know he likes hot guys and I am really hot. I am so confused. I don't want to be used.
Signed, Jaded at 23
Dear Jaded at 23,
You are confused because of false expectations. You seem to be holding on to the conclusion of what you believe is there, rather than seeing what is really there. Your ego also seems to be getting in your own way. It believes something like this - "guys just want me for my looks, so why bother." These are defenses, intimacy fears, that block you from deeply connecting with this guy in the now. Maybe distance is desirable because you were hurt in the past. Creating distance between you and other men keeps you safer. That way, they cannot hurt you like others did in the past. But this also keeps you alone no matter how hot you are. So what good is having this attitude? It is sad that we can become suspicious of others because they are "too sweet and honest." This is twisted and it's a good example of stinking thinking.
Trust has a degree of unknown risk. Loving inherently involves this risk because we have to trust to love. The only other option is to wall ourselves off from others. To break out of this, you must allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust him. You have to spend time with him to cultivate the trust you need, rather than push him away so fast. He can only control that he is trustworthy. Whether or not you trust him is up to you.
At the clubs, I get guys who bump, knock, stand next to me or directly in front of me. I am told that's the way guys now make contact. If I say "hello," they say nothing, sometimes looking with a strange or empty look. I become paralyzed, frustrated, angry at times. I actually want to meet someone to hook up. How can I better handle these situations?
Signed, Confused About First Contact
Dear Confused About First Contact,
First, if this is a new way of making first contact, it's a rude and hostile way. I, for one, have never met anyone with their back to me. Second, you are in a bar. Guys in a bar can be drunk, stoned or high. So their clumsy off-balance behavior may be because they're intoxicated and have nothing to do with you. Hence, you get the strange or empty looks when you break the ice. On the other hand, some guys in bars can be immature, shy and fear rejection. So they play games out of insecurity. So, if you get no response, don't take it personal. Continue enjoying the music, people watching and having a good time. Don't waste your energy with game players sending mixed signals. It usually ends in a rejection suited to pump up their fragile ego rather than being about you. Don't get entangled in their drama. If you want real connection, look outside of bars. Most bar hookups are a lot less personal. It's more like picking up a bottle of beer, tossing it when your through, and moving on to the next one. Given that and pleasing yourself, you may get more satisfaction and peace at home pleasing yourself.
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