Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote
M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
 Did He Use Me?
 and Lesbian Dating

Dear Angelo,

I just don't get why lesbians seem to so easily reject post-op male to female transsexuals. I am excruciatingly lonely. Sure I have friends, but what I really want is a female partner that is there for me everyday and vice versa. I justattended women's week in Ptown. I was surprised at how many lesbian partners there actually looked like men. I could tell that some were taking testosterone. I am quite femme. What gives? Any thoughts? Thanks Angelo!

Signed, Frustrated In NH

Dear Frustrated In NH,

First let me set up our readers. A post-op male to female (MTF)transsexual is a biological male who is female and gets a sex change to be female bodied. A MTF can be gay, bi or straight.

I actually get this question a lot now. It's a fascinating one.

My take is this. Lesbians can be just as transphobic as the general population. Transphobia is thedislike of people who transgress their expected social gender role as male or female.Unfortunately people don't understand transgender people. People mistakenly see one's gender role as matchingtheir biological sex.It doesn't have to. If you're a man who is perceived as being feminine, or a woman who is perceived as being too masculine, you'll face severe discrimination.

A person's gayness does not guarantee they are not prejudice, racist, classist, or mean anything about their views. For example,we have our very owngay republicans! Go figure. The Afro American community can be very homophobic.Suffering from racism does not make them liberal overall. So just because someone is a minority in one sense, does make them tolerant in others.

The masculinization of some lesbians is about gender expression, how a person communicates or shows their gender,not gender identity. Lesbians identify as staunch women (gender identity) even though they may appear masculine (gender expression). These ladies are not male identified even if they look manly.They maywrongly still see you as a "man" since you were born with a penis. Using that faulty logic, they may also strongly resent male oppression, andnot want to partner with a "previous" one. But you are a woman, so that's crap. Don't take it. Stick up for yourself and educate them.

Dear Angelo,

I am 34, live in London, and got to knowthis guyover the internet from another country about 2 months ago.He said he was coming to live in London. Now, he's come over twice and stayed weekends, but he is always allocating a time slotfor me.He spends most of his time here with his friends -not me. He lives back home with his ex of 2 years.He's always been vague about his past. About 2 days ago, I exploded and told him all my doubts, which he said were unfounded. Yesterday, he said he was disappointed, and wanted to be left alone. I have fallen for him, but now he doesn't want to deal with me because I exploded. Any suggestions?

Signed, Left In The Dust In London

Dear Left In The DustIn London,
It saddens me to hear of betrayal. It hurts deeply when someone turns out to be someone other than we thought. The best you can do is to let grief run its course and move forward. Learn from it for next time. This makes you a stronger and wiser person.So it's worth it in the end.
While it doesn't help to lose your temper, I think he was lying to you all along, and this is just hisexcuse to get out of it now and blame you. What kind of person would do this? That's right -a louse. Let him go and look forward to scooping someone who is better for you.
Hallucinations are most often described as when we see things that aren't there. But there is another kind of hallucination - when we don't see something that is there.When we are falling for someone, we ignore or overlook the red flags. We so want to find the one. Next time, pay more attention to your intuition. Let someone earn your trust from experience over time.You may want to read my MSN / feature story How To Spot A Player linked from midwaydown my Welcome Pageat


Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

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