Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
How To Get A Lover For Christmas
I have everything except a lover. But this is a big enough problem to keep me down most of the time. Any suggestions?
Signed, Please Send Me Someone To Love
Dear Please Send Me Someone To Love,
A client of mine told me that he had about 20 people call to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving holiday. Unfortunately, the 1 guy he most wanted to hear from didn't call. He spent the whole session lamenting about this. I suggested that he focus on the 20 people that did call, rather than the 1 that didn't.
Often we look at what we want and don't have. Try instead to give thanks for all that you do have. Practicing gratitude changes our perspective and lifts our mood from lack and depression to abundance and contentment.
We all want to be loved. It's fine and beautiful that you desire this. But please don't let not having a love ruin the rest of your life. Getting down won't attract more love to you. In childhood, we whine to tell our caretakers that something's wrong so we can get our needs met. But this strategy doesn't work as well when we're grown. When we get down we're still trying to call others to our aid by signaling that something's wrong. But a depressed mood actually keeps more people away in adulthood.
Instead, try sending out more love. Change your state of mind. Why be miserable? Give yourself more love by living your life with the same zest and fulfillment as if you already had that true love. I know it can be hard to cultivate overall happiness when you're single, especially around the holidays. But having an air of confidence and contentment is exactly what will attract more love to you, including that special one.
All The Best, Angelo.
I liked the recent question about not being able to get a date. But how about WHERE do you get a date? I feel like all of the regular, non-scene guys who are more LTR-oriented are hiding away like me. Bars are a bad place to meet a potential boyfriend, so where? Help!
Signed, Oh Where Oh Where
Dear Oh Where Oh Where,
Think in terms of your interests rather than places. I don't think there is any single place to met Mr. Right. You can meet him anywhere at any moment. I tell my clients to go about their lives doing things that interest them, which also have the potential to meet men.
I had a client who took my advice and joined a gym, took Latin dancing classes, participated in a spiritual community, played in a pool league - among other things that interested him. He chose things that were either gay oriented or at least gay affirmative. It wasn't long before he was racking up dates and making new friends to boot.
I think there's 3 key ingredients: (1.) get involved in a variety of things that you really like to do (2.) choose things that meet regularly for a period of time, preferably weekly(3.) and pick things that'll have gay men in them. Equally important is putting yourself out there with confidence by introducing yourself to others as you go about these activities. Keep a pleasant demeanor, stay open, and give it time (be patient). Then sit back and watch all that comes your way.
All The Best, Angelo
The Gay Man's Therapist
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