Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote
M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
 Why I Like To Be Spanked By Bad Boys
 and Could She Be A Drag Queen?

Dear Angelo,

I'm a 20 year old bisexual female and I like to dress like a drag queen. I don't get it! I'm already a woman, why do I feel I want to be a super effeminate drag queen?

Signed, Warped

Dear Warped,

I understand how this is confusing for you. Allow me to straighten things out a bit.

First off, a drag queen is a gay man who dresses as a woman for work, entertainment, fun or to relax. Draq queens dress in many different styles including superfemme. But, since you are already a woman, you cannot be a drag queen.

What you are referring to is your gender expression. Your gender expression is how you like to communicate your gender to others. In the end, it's how you appear to others. This includes your clothing, hair, mannerisms, etc. Your gender expression is ultra femme. Your gender expression is a separate fact from your sexual orientation (bisexual) and it is also independent of your gender (being a woman). For example, some straight women dress masculine. So, there is no need for you to worry. As a bisexual feminine woman, it is natural for you to express your femininity in any way that feels right to you.

On the other hand, if you have an internal sense of lacking femininity because you're bi - resulting from internalized homophobia - you could be compensating by dressing superfemme. Unfortunately, you may also want to keep in mind how others may respond to you if they perceive you as a bimbo, hooker or joke.

Dear Angelo,

I have a passion for being spanked. Sex without it is like a Margarita without salt - why bother? Also, I can never like the nice guy. I always fall in love with mean guys. Please explain this. I lose a lot of good catches.

Signed, Redbuns

Dear Redbuns, What puts you over the edge sexually reveals a lot about you. The Freudian school would hedge a bet that your childhood involved being punished or humiliated often by a "mean" caretaker. It may have been blatant or subtle. This pattern became eroticized, and since this scene is what was familiar and comfortable to you, you continue to seek it out as an adult. This relational dynamic says something about the condition of your self-esteem. You feel you really deserve to be treated this way.

Nice guys are too unfamiliar and make you uncomfortable. Interestingly, while you're being treated bad, a sexual charge happensin the longing for a nice guy.If you were to have a nice guy, there could be no yearning and no sexual charge.So you quickly lose interest.

Such old, negative, sexually charged patterns can be hard to break, but it's possible to crack them. A compromise is best by finding someone who can get naughty in the bedroom, but is sweet to you outside. You want to seek the help of a psychotherapist to prevent a life long pattern of unhealthy abusive relationships.

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

The Gay Man's Therapist

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Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved

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