Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote
He Said He'd Call
How come someone you love, like a family member or partner, thinks they have the right tomistreat you?
Signed, Distraught For The Holidays
Dear Distraught For The Holidays,
This is an extremely complex issue, but I think the simplest and most helpful explaination I can provide toyou here, is that they're simply doing the best they can. If they knew any better, they wouldn't be mistreating you.
I think only people who are hurting hurt other people. While it's very temptingto label them as mean-spirited, mentally ill or even evil, I think the higher road is to say that their bad behavior is a lack, or ignorance of love, rather than the presence of evil.
This may sound like I'm letting them off the hook rather easily. Let me be clear - I don't condone hurtful behavior. ButI think a non-demonizingexplaination leaves roomfor the mixed feelings we have for the people we love that hurt us. We can both love them and hate them at the same time. We can both need them and push them away. We can be both happy around them and be painfully hurt. This kind of emotional complexity is what makes it so hard. If the person was totally awful all the time,we woulddisconnect.If they were always great all of the time, then there wouldn't be a problem. It's not so easy when it's some ofboth. We're hard wired to bond to ourloved ones. But when the same people that nurture us hurt us, itconfuses us about love. We come to think that love also feels bad and we get stuck.
My advice to you is to createa support network of affirming loving people in your life that you feel goodbeing around.Stop looking to get love from those who can't give it to you properly -until they find their heart.Of course this realization hurts deeply. Thegrief from the loss of the kind of love you long for and deserve from that person is profound. But you wouldn't go tothebakery to buy roses. You'd go to the florist.You don't have to cut someone out of your life, that's your choice, just be sure your pointed in the right direction to get what you need.
All The Best, Angelo.
I met this hot guy one evening out of the blue andweended up spending the next 12 hours together. It was intense. We chilled, he shared a lot of intimate details about himselfwith me and we had great sex - twice. We really bonded. He said he'd call me the next day and he didn't. So I called him. He said he forgot to call but that he wanted to see me again and that he'd be giving me a callto do something overthe weekend. He didn't call untilSunday night shortly before midnight. He left a message (I was sleeping) saying he got really busy and just got a moment. Why do guys act this way?
Signed, Another One Bites The Dust
Dear Another One Bites The Dust,
I'm sorry you met a schmuck. I know how disappointing this can be in your search for love. But the "whys" really don't matter here. (You can find all the "whys" as in why's-it-so-hard-to-meet-a-man in the archives at www.askangelo.com. )
Truth is you're fabulous. You deserve a guy that calls the next day like he says he will. And after giving him the benefit of the doubt when he didn't call the first time, because you're so kindhearted, you deserve a man that will call you when he sayshe willto make weekend plans (preferably by Thursday). Better yet, you deserve a magic man who will follow through and take you out for a great night over the weekend to make up for his first mistake.
My dear sweet man, move on from this one. Don't make any excuses for this loser. He didn't make you a priority so don't make him one. Listen to his actions not his words. If someone is important to us we don't forget them - ever. They're on our minds. And in today's day and age there is absolutely no reason not to call, text, voicemail, page or even snail mail a message to cancel well ahead of time. It shows respect for someone you value. Even at the last minute, it doesn't take 10 seconds to say "Hey guy I'm sorry, I can't make it after all this weekend, but I wantto see you again, how's Monday at 6?"Is anyone too busy for that?Don't you deserve 10 seconds of consideration?
Be thankful he quickly showed you up front that he's not right for you and go out and find someone else who is.
All The Best, Angelo.
The Gay Man's Therapist
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