I met a guy that said he was too messed up to date seriously. Two months later he was doting all over me and telling me how much he liked me, cooking me dinners, sending me off to work with packed lunches, and constantly inviting me into his close circle of friends. I reciprocated. Then he stopped it all. Was I played by a serial dater?
Signed, Serial Dating Victim
Dear Serial Dating Victim,
I imagine this is confusing and quite disappointing for you. When we are "falling" for a guy, we can overlook his flaws.Many of us just want to get hitched so badly. We may ignore the red flags and proceed with caution anyway. This is understandably human. Your man actually gave you a big flashing warning sign. He told you right off the bat that "he was too messed up to date seriously."
This guy may be a serial dater. There are men who have trouble committing to one man for long. But rather than focus on him, it's better for us to focus on how you can be better prepared for the next time.
Let me ask you. If you saw a warning sign on a cage in a pet store - I bite - would you disregard it and pet the cute little doggy inside anyway? Would you be upset if it bit you hard on the finger? While it is easier said than done in matters of the heart, my advice is to obey what the warning sign says.
I have been seeing this guy and we have really hit it off. Everything is going so well. The problem is we are both predominantly tops. Neither one of us is particularly fond of bottoming or so we say. How do you navigate this stuff?
Signed, Sexual Role Play
Dear Sexual Role Play,
I'm glad things are going well overall. In terms of sex, talk openly and honestly with your partner about this. Maybe there is an area of compromise that you can come to together. While neither of you need to do anything you're uncomfortable with or don't like, sexual exploration can be fun and liberating if you're willing to trust one another enough to let go and safely experiment a little.
Sometimes the issue isn't the sexual position as much as it is about power, control and internalized homophobia. Some men think bottoming makes them more passive, womanly or less of a man. In some cultures, the top is seen as "straight" while the bottom is gay. So some guys don't like to say they're into bottoming because of stigma. It may also come from a self-protective fear of becoming infected with HIV. It would be beneficial to talk about these things, including your HIV status, monogamy (or not) and maybe even get tested together.
Some guys have satisfying sexual relationships without "intercourse" or they may only bottom occasionally. You'll have to discuss what the issues are for the two of you and how important topping is in your sexual fulfillment as a couple.
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
The Gay Man's Therapist
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